OLD VERSION Erin Shepard: Her Story
by From Thessia To Rannoch
Summary: THIS WORK HAS BEEN REWRITTEN  This work revolves around Erin Shepard, my female commander. Experience her friendships, relationships, struggles, and moments of joy in this series. Bioware owns characters. M for language in chapter VII.
1. Prologue

**A/N: Before you read this, you should know that this is the old version of the story and I am currently working on a rewrite of it. Things will be different in the rewrite but key aspects and invents (including those included in this version) will be included. Anyway you can go ahead and read this version but just know that Erin Shepard: Her Story v2 is also out there! :] Anyway enjoy.**

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><p>"I'll be back for you, and I'll bring every fleet I can," Shepard promised, yelling over the destructive ambiance. There she stood on the tongue of the Normandy, staring down at Anderson. She wanted to be there on that platform with him, fighting the good fight, doing what she could for her homeworld.<p>

"Good to hear it," Anderson called out. In this harsh sunlight Shepard could see wrinkles on his tan face that never seemed so defined. The honesty and unspoken friendship in his eyes weighed her down as the Normandy rose off the docks.

"Good luck," Shepard said.

"You too, Shepard." She couldn't hear him, but she could read his lips. Erin Shepard watched Anderson's shrinking figure turn and run down the metal gangway toward a trio of shuttles. A rescue squad helped two survivors into one shuttle, one into the other.

Then Erin saw him: the little boy in the ducts. The ruby glow of the reaper's merciless beam illuminated him. Her jaw fell open as she watched the small child, whom she had seen around the Alliance base many times, run toward a shuttle with his tiny legs. The soldiers were too busy being shadowed by the monstrous synthetic looming over Vancouver to help the boy as he struggled to pull himself inside the vehicle. Shepard felt the slightest bit of relief when the shuttle door shut with the boy safely inside.

But he wasn't safe. Both shuttles carrying survivors were effortlessly decimated by the reaper's beam. A clenching feeling overtook her heart, like someone was grasping desperately inside, trying to keep from falling. Shepard felt like that person.

The Normandy's bay doors shut then. Shepard remained in place.

"Breathe," said a voice.

Erin forgot Kaidan was there the whole time. He moved in front of her, searching for her eyes, eyes that he used to stare into every day. That was before their relationship went downhill after her resurrection.

Still, Kaidan gingerly placed a hand on her shoulder. Like a switch, Erin broke free of her stasis and met his eyes. Kaidan could see the urgency, the severity in her amber eyes.

"Are you okay, Shepard?"

"I'm fine." Her response was quick. She turned and strode deeper into the Normandy. "Thanks for asking."

"Commander, where we goin'?" It was James Vega, the jokingly hotheaded lieutenant with the nonchalant exterior. Right now, he was neither of those things. James followed Shepard hot on her heels, matching the urgency in her strides.

"We're going to the Citadel," she replied, making her way to the elevator.

"The Citadel? The fight's here!" James retorted, brow furrowing.

"Pretty soon, there won't be any fight left unless we get help. The Citadel is where we get that help," Shepard retaliated venomously. She punched the elevator button.

"_Tch_, no deal!" said the lieutenant.

"_Look, _Lieutenant, I don't like it either." She took a step closer to his significantly larger frame. "Don't you think I'd rather be back there? If you want to get a ride back to Earth once we get to the Citadel, be my guest. But right now, you're on _my _ship." For a brief moment they glared into each other's piercingly angry eyes. Then Vega broke off, slightly deflated, dismissing Shepard and her ridiculousness with a wave of the arm.

Joker came over the intercom.

"Commander, Admiral Hackett is requesting communications with you."

So Joker was aboard, too. _Good, _Shepard thought, _I'll need a good pilot, no doubt._

"Patch Hackett through on the terminal, and set a course for the Citadel."

Shepard approached a nearby terminal and watched as Hackett's scarred, aging, but nonetheless imposing face materialized before her.

"Com-der, I see y-."

"It's hard to get a clear signal, Admiral."

"Then I'll k- brief. Head to Mars. D-Dr. T-T'Soni-" The signal cut. No matter.

Shepard tilted her head toward the roof and said, "Joker, get us to Mars." Then she entered the elevator and hit _Commander's Cabin._


	2. Chapter I: Arguments and Reunions

**Chapter I: Mars**

Once in her Cabin, Erin Shepard brought up her Omni-tool and attempted to contact Liara. As she expected, Mars long range communications were out. Sighing, she made her way to the locker in the back of her cabin. Hopefully her armor wasn't touched during the six months she spent out of the Normandy.

Fortunately, everything was in order. Shepard wasted no time getting suited up. She only spared the helmet, tucking it under her arm as she made her way back to the elevator. On the way, she turned her head toward her desk, where she had a small picture frame. Inside was the face of an old lover, who was down in the armory at the moment. Sadness, anger, and lingering love swirled inside as she gazed at Kaidan's face. Shepard inhaled deeply and stepped into the elevator.

"Here's the situation," she began in a loud, clear voice. "We're leaving Earth because we're going to get help for it. Humans can't defeat the reapers on their own. But before we can go to the Citadel and plead our case, we have to make a stop at Mars."

"But what for?" Lieutenant Vega inquired, this time without brutality in his voice. Composure had returned to him now that he was back in soldier mode.

"I don't know," Shepard admitted, "but Hackett instructed us to find Liara T'Soni. So that's what we'll do. She must have answers." James dropped his soldiers and continued cleaning his gun.

Kaidan, Erin, and James soon touched down on Mars.

"Thirty minutes, tops, then the storm hits," Vega noted. He opened the shuttle doors and jumped out. The rest of the crew followed.

"Alright, stick close. I'm point. Our objective is to find Liara," Erin said.

"Let's make this as quick as possible," Vega added, "'cause we need to get to the Citadel."

They set off at a steady pace, weapons at the ready. They moved with robotic discipline across the cracked, dusty dirt. They were three seasoned, professional soldiers examining the landscape through the scopes of their weapons.

"Wait," Kaidan said suddenly. The other two came to a stop. "Listen. Do you hear that?"

"No, do you _see _that?" James said with urgency, gesturing ahead. Shepard could see a rover coming to a stop at the end of the path. It was all white with a large logo on the side. Shepard knew that logo well.

"Shepard, what is Cerberus doing here?" Kaidan demanded accusatorily. He practically jumped in front of Shepard. His helmet hid his eyes, but Shepard could feel the scrutiny of his gaze.

"I don't know, Kaidan," she muttered, resisting the urge to yell. "Maybe if Cerberus didn't want me dead, I'd go ask them." Shepard swiftly moved into cover behind a boulder and peered around it. She could see several Cerberus troopers gathered in the clearing ahead, talking with each other or just pacing back and forth.

"Shepard, we've got a civilian," James noted, pointing his assault rifle into the scene. Just then, Erin Shepard saw her: a fire-haired woman, being dragged by the arm into the clearing. The trooper pulling her stopped to talk to someone, most likely his leading officer. Shepard strained to hear the conversation.

"Found this one hiding in a closet. What do you want to do with her?"

"I thought I was clear on your orders," he groaned. The officer unholstered his pistol and aimed it at red hair.

"Shepard," Kaidan whispered, "we should open fire before-"

_BAM. _

The civilian collapsed on the dirt. The executioner put his weapon back in its holster.

"Now," Shepard announced. She found the head of the officer in the scope of her weapon and pulled the trigger. One down, about seven to go.

Cerberus watched as their leader collapsed on top of the woman he just killed. Many were too stunned to react fast enough.

"We got hostiles!" one yelled as he sprinted for cover. He was stopped by a bullet in his chest. The trio continued to rain fire on the squad until there were none left. Shepard signaled to move into the clearing.

"Damn.. -in' Cerberus," James glowered, kicking a trooper's corpse. "Isn't Cerberus supposed to be pro-human? Why would they just execute human civilians?"

"Cerberus may say that, but they kill _a lot _of humans." Kaidan sighed, coming to a slow beside the dead civilian's body. Erin knelt by the lifeless woman and pushed the body of the dead officer off of her.

"They're merciless," she agreed quietly. Her gloved fingers reached for the woman's eyelids. Shepard studied the woman's face once her eyes were closed. She looked old enough to be married with children.

_Children. _The image of the boy from the ducts surfaced in her mind. Shepard shut her eyes, rubbed her temples briefly. Then she was back on her feet and leading her squad toward the complex nearby, where they found an elevator. The elevator rumbled as they began their descent.

At first, everyone was too downed by the death of an innocent to talk. James leaned against the wall and crossed his arms. Erin examined her feet. Kaidan was shifting from foot to foot anxiously while the elevator pressurized. Finally, he pulled off his helmet and stepped toward Erin Shepard.

"I need a straight answer." He said it quietly, but his words were not cushioned.

"Kaidan." Shepard sighed.

"Don't _Kaidan _me," he pressed, stepping closer. "I want to believe that this is all just a coincidence, finding Cerberus here. But it's all too convenient!" At that moment, Erin's head snapped up. She yanked off her helmet and thrust it under her arm.

"Tell me, how is _any _of this _convenient_? How is running into a squad of Cerberus troops who could've _killed_ us convenient?" she barked.

"You know what I mean. How do I know Cerberus didn't implant some sort of- some sort of _control chip _in you? For all I know, you could be the Illusive Man's puppet."

Shepard stopped. Thought for a moment as the elevator doors opened.

"Kaidan, I have a feeling words won't sway you." Her voice had returned to a normal decibel, but her words still sounded as hard as a mallet.

"They won't. I want proof. Proof that the woman I loved is still in there." Now vulnerability showed on his face. His auburn eyes searched Erin's desperately, looking for some lingering bit of who she used to be. But she just turned her head away and said,

"People need proof when they can't trust someone anymore." Shepard began to leave the elevator, but James held up an arm to halt her.

"Listen," he said.

She stopped and concentrated her hearing. Very faintly, Erin could hear thumping coming from somewhere above them. Much clearer was the sound of gunshots hitting metal. Suddenly, the cap of a vent burst off and a blue-skinned woman clad in white pushed herself out of the vent. She dashed forward, breathing heavily. Biotics softened her landing. She moved deliberately yet gracefully. She was a glowing blue dancer.

Two Cerberus troopers were hot on her trail, but the Asari was too quick for them. As they pushed out of the vent, she spun and pitched them a Singularity. While they dangled vulnerably in the air, she took her time lining up shots.

_Bam. Bam. _They collapsed on the ground.

With a kind of intimidating swagger Erin did not recognize, the Asari approached the troopers who lay on the ground, slowly exsanguinating. She emptied four more bullets into them, stopping their pained moans.

"Liara," Shepard breathed as she moved out from behind the crates. The Asari's eyes widened at the sight of the commander, and her purple lips curved into an underused smile.

James lowered his weapon and watched with curiosity as the two women hugged somewhat awkwardly, then stepped away and cleared their throats.

"I take it that's Liara," Vega murmured, standing beside Alenko.

"That's her," he confirmed.

"I also take it the commander and the Asari are good friends."

Kaidan paused, furrowed his brow as he watched the two interact awkwardly.

"I guess so. I mean, they've been through a lot together, and..." His voice trailed off.


	3. Chapter II: One Good Thing

**Chapter II: One Good Thing and Hope Still**

Huerta Memorial was an ocean of people. Fear and death plagued the air with negativity; countless people looked in pain just waiting for news of their dying beloveds. Human, Salarian, and Asari nurses were hurrying to and fro with datapads and medigel in their hands. Receptionists were trying to calm the many anxious people queued up by their desks.

"Coming through! Move out of the way!" a high-pitched voice called out. Two Salarians were wheeling a gurney out of the elevator. Erin quickly sidestepped. She did not get a good look at the patient, but she did see scarlet ink on the hands of the Salarian EMT. It reminded Erin of the damage done to Kaidan, on _her_ watch. His handsome face was smashed into an unrecognizable swollen ball of black, blue, and red. She shut her eyes tight before tears could materialize. _Breathe_, she heard his voice say.

"Commander Shepard." Turning, Shepard saw a silver-haired slender woman march her way. The woman had age marks etched around her mouth and eyes. Still, Doctor Karin Chakwas looked young for her age and about as dignified and strong as could be. A friendly face in that clot of distressed people was a welcome comfort to Shepard.

"Doctor! I wasn't expecting this. It's good to see you." They shook hands. Chakwas had a firm handshake and a smile so slight and endearing.

"You too, Commander," she said with her sophisticated accent. Chakwas paused a moment to examine Erin. Erin could feel the doctor's eyes groping her face, no doubt noting the clear evidence of stress.

"I assume you're here about Major Alenko," Chakwas said.

"Yeah. How is he?" Shepard was afraid to know. She did what she could to steel herself for the worst possible news.

"He's taken a severe amount of damage, yet his vitals are doing well. Our best people are taking care of him, Shepard. I'm hopeful." She folded her hands behind her back and straightened her posture, displaying that almost motherly confidence that was so familiar to Shepard.

Chakwas was known to be straightforward and honest; she'd tell you how it is. So, her hopefulness for Kaidan was decent consolation to Shepard.

"Thank you, Doctor..."

"I'm afraid you can't see him just now, however," Chakwas continued. "The extreme damage demands our doctors' immediate attention. Operation has already begun."

"I understand."

"I can keep you posted on Kaidan's status, however."

"Or, you can come with me."

Karin Chakwas's eyes seemed to sparkle, but she maintained her usual professionalism.

"That would be an honor, Commander. The Normandy is the only home I know."

"Then please, get your things and head to Bay D24." Shepard brought up a clock on her omni-tool. "We're going to be departing in five hours."

"Thank you, Commander. I've missed the soldiers and space so much." Her mouth grew into a smile as she turned away.

_At least one good thing came out of this_, Shepard thought, _and there's hope for Kaidan yet._


	4. Chapter III: Remember Me

**Chapter III: Remember Me**

**_Note: The structure of this chapter looks odd, I know. The spaces between lines and indentations won't show for some reason. It bugged me a lot but it just won't work, so please forgive me. Thank you for reading and PLEASE review! I would love to get your feedback so I can improve the story and my writing. Enjoy this sentimental chapter. _**

"I didn't know you were into poetry, Chief."  
>Shepard was beginning to like the Ashley Williams behind that hard, no-funny-business exterior—the one who had an appreciation for art and other things softer than bullets.<p>

"Just 'cause I'm tough doesn't mean I can't like soft stuff, too," Ashley declared defensively.

"I get it, Williams. I think this 'Lord Alfred Tennyson' sounds cool," Erin admitted. "I'm glad you're not some boring robotic soldier." They both laughed.

"Speaking of boring and robotic, what do you make of the new recruit?" Ashley muttered, crossing her arms and leaning against the countertop where the guns she cleaned sat in neat order. "T'Soni seems... I don't know. She just rubs me the wrong way, I guess." Ashley shrugged.

"Does that have anything to do with her being the daughter of Saren's matriarch ally?" Shepard deduced, placing a hand on her hip.

"Call me crazy," Ashley confirmed, "but yeah. And the fact that she acts like the total opposite of what you'd expect an evil matriarch's daughter to be like? It's a little unsettling."

"The opposite of evil doesn't sound so bad..."

"No, that's not what I mean. I expect Benezia to be some charismatic, manipulative, influential, all-powerful psychopath. But T'Soni, she's a socially awkward loner that coops herself up in that dark office all day. Does that settle well with you?" Ashley eyed the commander as if her answer would determine her own sanity.

Shepard thought for a moment. When she first met Liara, she was trapped inside some sort of stasis field, begging for help. Hard to imagine someone that careless could be an evil mastermind. After a few days of observing the Asari, Shepard could agree with Williams that Liara was, indeed, a socially awkward loner. However, Erin also got a sense of the blue woman's genuine innocence. In fact, Liara's innocence rang out so strongly that Shepard couldn't help but feel like the Asari had the spirit of a child.

"I trust her," Erin stated simply. "I'm a good judge of character. For example, I always knew there was something weird about you." Her mouth bent into a smirk.

"Alright, alright," Williams chuckled, narrowing her eyes at the commander, "I like poetry. But I bet you have a dark, nerdy secret, too."

"Maybe," Erin teased, crossing her arms.

"Come on, Commander!"

"Fine, fine. I play the viola. I love classical music."

Ashley's snort sent the two into an episode of wild laughter.

Awareness of her body gradually returned to her. Erin Shepard sat up on her bed. It was dark in her cabin, almost pitch black. The only light came from the orange glow of her bedside clock and the glitter of stars outside the window.

"Oh God... Ashley..." An avalanche of memories collapsed on her heart. Shepard held her head in her hands. There she sat on the edge of her bed for who knows how long, trembling, with only the suffocating darkness and agonizing memories for company. Her sudden nausea sent her stumbling into the bathroom, where she flicked on the light and stared into the mirror. Her auburn hair was unruly from a restless sleep; her bronze eyes were glossy and red around the edges. She could even see exhaustion marks leading from the bags under her eyes. She realized that she was getting older, but her age (both mental and physical) was irrelevant if she died tomorrow. That wasn't too unlikely; Erin already lucked out once, and she was alone when it happened. No friends, no lovers, just her and a leaky oxygen tank. What was it like for Ashley?

At first, it was just tears, rolling down her prominent cheekbones and clinging to her quivering rectangular chin. Then she was crying without bounds. Her brow crinkled, her mouth morphed into a grimace, and she sobbed. Erin's hands gripped the countertop, but she weakly slid onto the floor.

_I chose one human being over another._

I wouldn't feel any better if Kaidan died, though. A hollow thought.

_You shouldn't have had to choose in the first place. _

Soldiers die all the time.

_And friends? Do they die all the time?_

"Ash." Saying her name hurt like a dagger poisoned with guilt and sorrow. There she lay, curled up on in her oversized shirt and pants, feeling pitiful, beaten, and somehow very exposed.  
>Motion-sensor controlled lights turned off.<p>

The metal floor was clammy from her tears and very cold, not to mention uncomfortable. Erin shivered awake and rolled onto her back. Her head bumped against the wall and she groaned. She rubbed her dry eyes and massaged her temples. _What time is it?_ Erin wondered, throwing the blanket off.  
>Blanket? She didn't remember bringing a blanket to the bathroom; she hadn't planned on falling asleep there. It took a while for her to get to her feet, fighting the disorientation that came with bad rest. Shepard stepped into the open doorway and made a move to toss the blanket onto the couch. She froze when she saw someone in her cabin.<br>The blue glow of the fish tank illuminated the edges of Liara's silhouette. She had one finger touching the tank. An exotic emerald fish was trying to kiss it through the glass. Liara's purple lips took on a tentative smile.

"Morning," Shepard said while Liara settled on the couch. A startled Liara gasped, then gave a tiny laugh.

"Good morning." The visitor eyed the commander, who leaned against the doorway casually, as if she wasn't just passed out in the bathroom. "How are you feeling, Shepard?"

"Fine." The commander synthesized and said, "Thanks for the blanket."

"It was the least I could do. The bathroom floor didn't look very comfortable."

"Really? I thought it looked cozy." Liara acknowledged the humor with a nod of the head and a forced smile. Shepard sat beside her.

"What brings you here?"  
>"The crew was wondering where you were. You never showed up to breakfast. After an hour, I came to check up on you, and I saw you... asleep." Curious eyes searched Shepard's face.<p>

"I know, I know. The bathroom is a weird place to sleep." She laughed her embarrassment off. Liara did not join in her laughter; instead, she shifted to face the commander.

"You were crying." It was a statement, not an inquiry. "Shepard... Erin. I'm here if you want to talk about anything."

"I know," Erin murmured, still avoiding eye contact. Liara waited, but Shepard did not elaborate. The blue roses in Liara's eyes seemed to droop as Shepard became suddenly interested in the aquarium. With tenacity, Liara reached for the commander. She very gently placed a hand on Shepard's shoulder, looking almost afraid to do so. Feeling somewhat alarmed by the touch, Shepard turned her head back to the Asari to find tears in her eyes.

"You're sad?" Shepard observed, brow furrowing confusedly. What she saw wasn't worry; this was an aging, dampening-the-spirits melancholy.

"Indeed," Liara confirmed, examining her hands which were now cradled in her lap. The two sat in silence. Liara stared at the floor but seemed to be looking at something else entirely.

Studying Liara's profile, Shepard took note of the gradual slope of her forehead, the slight upturning of her nose. The glow of the aquarium made her skin look bluer than gray. She had gradually round cheekbones, very different from Shepard's, and a fuller face that was flecked with freckles. Liara had endearing features, especially those eyes, such a powerfully deep blue.

Shepard made an effort to burn this image into her mind. _If this is the last time I see you,_ Shepard thought, _I want to be able to remember what you look like. _There were too many people she lost whose faces were an unremembering blur in her mind, like Richard Jenkins, Kelly Chambers. A lump formed in her throat. Just as Shepard's mind trailed back to Ashley Williams, Liara broke the reminiscent silence.

"You've been there for me, Shepard. When I felt alienated by the original crew, you were my friend. When my mother…" She swallowed. "I wasn't there for you back on Illium. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. You had a good reason."

"But I want to be here for you now, and we both know you need someone at times like these. You just have to… let your barriers down."

Shepard agreed silently. _I definitely could use some relief now and then, and I have been secluded. _She found amusement in the thought that now _she _was the loner; she was the one who avoided social gatherings and took meals in her cabin for the sole sake of solitude.

"Let's not be sorry," Shepard recommended quietly. Gingerly, Shepard enveloped the other woman with a hug. An unsuspecting Liara did not move at first. Then, she slowly raised her arms around the commander and burrowed her chin into Shepard's shoulder. "Let's go back to the way things were before… all this. When we just talked and joked—when we were best friends."

Liara smiled and closed her eyes.

"I like that idea."

_There lies the port; the vessel puffs her sail:_

_There gloom the dark broad seas. My mariners,_

_Souls that have toil'd, and wrought, and thought with me-_

_That ever with a frolic welcome took_

_The thunder and the sunshine, and opposed_

_Free hearts, free foreheads- you and I are old;_

_Old age hath yet his honour and his toil;_

_Death closes all: but something ere the end,_

_Some work of noble note, may yet be done,_

_Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods._

_The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks:_

_The long day wanes: the slow moon climbs: the deep_

_Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends,_

_'Tis not too late to seek a newer world._

_Push off, and sitting well in order smite_

_The surrounding furrows; for my purpose holds_

_To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths_

_Of all the western stars, until I die._

_It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:_

_It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles,_

_And see the great Achilles, whom we knew._

_Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'_

_We are not now that strength which in the old days_

_Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;_

_One equal temper of heroic hearts,_

_Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will_

_To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield._

_-From Tennyson's Ulysses_


	5. Chapter IV: Horizon

**Hello to whoever is reading this. First, the usual stuff: Thanks for reading, please review so I can become a better writer, and enjoy.**

**Anyway, I have been writing long chapters and I am going to try to divide them into multiple chapters if possible instead of one incredibly long one. Also, thanks to a certain review I realize that I left out a lot of events in previous chapters that could really make one of these upcoming chapters make more sense... My plan is to incorporate those missing events into flashbacks right around now. Hopefully I won't make everything too confusing and totally mess up.**

**Also, I realize there are some points that I "dipped a toe in the water" with in past chapters that I want to eventually become something bigger. However, if I try to incorporate all of these things at once it will get way too complicated. So, I am going to take things one step at a time. **

**Finally, a review told me that the romantic relationship between FemShep, Kaidan, and Liara is a little bit confusing, so I am going to address that immediately.**

**Enjoy, let me know what you think. We begin with a flashback.  
><strong>

**Horizon**

_Horizon_

She pulled the trigger thrice, each time dispensing a bullet with a distinctive _clack_. The brown creature's lifeless body collapsed on the soil. It had skin that looked like tree bark, buggy eyes, and an inflated head.

"That's the last Collector. EDI, give me an update."

"The gun is now fully operational. It should begin firing as soon as the Collector ship is in sight," said the robotic voice. Right on cue, a loud growl sounded behind the squad. Shepard, Grunt, and Miranda struggled to keep their balance on the rumbling earth as the ship began takeoff. Then, the Anti-Aircraft gun shuddered as it projected huge bullets into the fleeing spacecraft. After several dozen shots, the ship exploded in an impressive flare of yellow.

"Mission accomplished, as bittersweet as it is," Miranda murmured. Shepard sighed, pulling her helmet off. She set it down on a shot-up crate and wiped the sweat off her face. Grunt gave a satisfied chuckle as he watched the debris of the Collector ship rain down on Horizon. Operative Lawson glared disapprovingly at him, then seated herself beside the AA gun.

"No, no, no! What are you doin'!" The middle-aged man hiding in the warehouse emerged from who knows where, gaping at the falling spaceship fragments. "Half of the colony was in there! They took Egan, and Sam, and Lilith!"

"Look, I didn't want it to end this way. I did what I could," Shepard spat, thoroughly annoyed with this man.

"You did more than most, Commander Shepard," Miranda offered, inspecting her pistol with one eye, watching the man with the other.

"Shepard? I know that name. Yeah…" He crossed his arms and leaned back, examining the commander critically. "You're some big Alliance hero."

A new, familiar voice joined the exchange. "You're in the presence of a _legend_, Delan." Kaidan approached the commander. "And a ghost." Erin felt her heart skip at the sight of his handsome face. Was this her imagination?

"_Tch_, you're still here? Figures; all the good people lost, and you get left behind. I'm done with you Alliance types." The man named Delan stalked off, but no one paid him any mind. Kaidan was watching Shepard, Shepard was watching Kaidan, and the rest of the squad looked on with interest.

"Kaidan," Erin breathed with a wide grin, pulling him into an embrace. Kaidan held her tightly to his chest, taking a moment to comprehend that he was physically holding the woman he had mourned for two years. "It's so good to see you," she whispered just before she felt him separate.

"You've been gone for two years, Shepard, and all you say is '_It's good to see you_?'" he exclaimed accusatorily. His brow furrowed angrily, and he shook his head incredulously. "I thought you were dead."

"Technically, I was. Cerberus spent the last two years rebuilding me. I was unconscious until very recently. That's why I couldn't contact you." She wasn't used to having to explain herself to him, but the circumstances were unusual to say the least.

But, her explanation did not seem to extinguish any anger. Quite the contrary, actually.

"Cerberus, Shepard? What are you doing with Cerberus?" Kaidan questioned. His eyes then flickered to Grunt and Miranda. The presence of a krogan did not especially faze him, considering he worked with his fair share of aliens aboard the Normandy SR1. What bothered him was having terrorists backing Shepard.

Shepard patiently elaborated. "In return for bringing me back, I've agreed to investigate the abductions of human colonies."

Kaidan took a half step back and crossed his arms defiantly. "The Shepard I know would never work for _Cerberus_." The word came out like venom. "We sabotaged our fair share of Cerberus operations back in the day. Why the change of heart?"

"I'm not working _for _them, I'm working _with _them. Cerberus seems to be the only group who cares that human colonies are vanishing." She searched his eyes for some sign of relent. There was none. "Kaidan, please understand…"

"You really believe that?" He took a step closer to Erin. "Working _for_ them, _with_ them… How do you know that's not just what they want you to think? Shepard, I wanted to believe you were alive, as far-fetched as it seemed. But I never expected you to turn your back on everything we stood for. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed _me_."

_Betrayal._ The accusation stung her like a knife.

"No, Kaidan." She was trying not to raise her voice. "I didn't betray anyone, especially you. You know I would only be in this situation if it was for the right reasons. You saw it yourself!" She gestured toward the lifeless, empty colony. "Collectors are targeting human colonies. Someone needs to do something about it."

Neither spoke. Kaidan gave an unwavering glare. Shepard's own eyes were angry now.

"I want to believe you, Erin. But I don't trust Cerberus! What if they're behind it all? What if they're working with the Collectors and just manipulating you?"

"You're missing the big picture here, Kaidan!"

"Maybe. Or maybe you're the one not thinking straight. You've changed, Shepard, but I still know where my loyalties lie." He placed a fist on his chest. "I'm an Alliance soldier, always will be. Now I've got to get back and file a report. I'll let the Alliance decide whether or not to believe your story." He turned and began to stride away.

"Kaidan!" Shepard yelled. "You can't be serious. Don't go." He paused and tilted his head slightly over his shoulder. There was a flicker of vulnerability in his face. Shepard pressed on. "I could use someone like you in my crew; it would be just like old times." Now she was pleading.

Kaidan turned halfway and shook his head. "No, it wouldn't be like old times at all. I will never work for Cerberus. Goodbye, Shepard. Be careful."

She watched him walk away for a few heartbeats, then pressed her fingers to her earpiece and said, in her own defiant way, "Joker, bring the shuttle in. I've had enough of this colony." She watched the distance between her and her old lover increase until he took a turn behind a building.

It wasn't too long until an auto-piloted shuttle descended on Horizon soil. Shepard wasted no time in punching the door button and climbing inside. Grunt and Miranda followed with less steam. Miranda sat herself down opposite of Grunt. Shepard stood with her hand on an overhanging rail. The three felt their stomachs flop as the shuttle gained elevation, much like the feeling of a fast elevator. It was almost a quiet shuttle ride, until…

"That human's got a quad, talking to the commander that way," Grunt mentioned. He gave an amused, throaty chuckle. Miranda rolled her eyes behind her hand.

"I'm glad you think it's funny," Shepard muttered. She mostly ignored his tactlessness; krogans always say inappropriate things at inappropriate times. Shepard was grateful that Miranda didn't feel the need to say anything, but she could still feel the operative's eyes on her. The trio listened to the hums and rattles of the flying shuttle until it set down inside the Normandy. Grunt was the first to hop out, still giddy from the fireworks show. Miranda lingered for the slightest moment to nod to her superior, as if to say, _What happens in Horizon, stays in Horizon_. Then she stepped out and went to her office, heels clacking on the metal floor.

Shepard remained in the shuttle. In her moment of solitude, the reality of it all came crashing down on her. A confusing, hurtful, angering exchange with her lover was enough of a mood kill; to have it play out in front of her squad was another embarrassment entirely. She found some comfort in the idea that the only observers were Grunt and Miranda; Grunt was too busy watching war vids in his lower-deck hold, and Miranda was too much of a workaholic to gossip.

Shepard sat down, flipping her helmet around in her hands as she processed what had just happened. _Did we just break up?_ She was thoroughly confused and hurt. Kaidan's lack of trust was like a slap to the face. She had been eagerly waiting for their reunion since her resurrection. It was her understanding that he could have moved on, but either way she was not expecting him to be less than gleeful to see her alive and kicking.

If someone told Erin two years ago that she would one day be working with Cerberus, she, too, would laugh in their face. _I'm here because this is where I can do the most good_, Shepard reminded herself. It was that simple. How come Kaidan couldn't see it like she did? How did he go from loving her to resenting her in a matter of minutes?

Shepard's hands groped the back of her helmet for a tiny slot. This was where people often put their final words, in case they could not deliver them in person. She pulled the slot up and removed a small sheet of paper. Shepard clumsily unfolded it with her gloved fingers and stared at the photograph. It was of a grinning broad-shouldered man with a square jaw and kind, dark brown eyes. He had his arms wrapped around a giddy brunette from behind.

The date on the photo told Shepard that it was taken about a month after the Battle of the Citadel. She brushed his face gently with her thumb, releasing a sigh. The photograph was placed in her pocket after refolding it; she decided it didn't belong in her helmet anymore, but it was such a good photo…


	6. Chapter V: Quicksand

Note: Hey, thanks for reading! Please feel free to write me messages/reviews about anything in regards to this story (what is confusing, what you like, what you want to see in the future, etc.) I am having a lot of fun sharing my stories with other people, and if there is anything I can do to make it more enjoyable for readers, please let me know.

This chapter will hopefully be lighter than the last few. Enjoy.

**Update: I meant to write that the crew had 36 hours of leave before.  
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**Chapter V: Quicksand**

Unsurprisingly, it was hard for Shepard to find an appropriate part of the Citadel where she could be alone. Everywhere she went, there were crowds of people. Her wandering brought her to Apollo's Café, naturally lured there by the beautiful vista. She leaned on her elbows against the railing, looking out at the gleaming, gently rippling artificial lake and the clean structures far out. The sky was a solid baby blue with the occasional puffy cloud floating aimlessly, peacefully; Erin Shepard entertained the thought that this was the ideal view of beauty, but very little of it was natural. Pessimism was constant with her lately.

More relevant thoughts came to mind. She examined her hands, which now gripped the railing tightly. Predictable doubts resurfaced; was it right to leave him? Should she have done so differently? What if these were their last days, and the ex-couple would spend them sulking over their separation? Chin resting on her chest, eyes tired and red, Shepard tried to maintain a tough façade but doubted she could fool anyone. Right now, she wasn't Commander Shepard; she was Erin Shepard, a woman like any other, beaten by the hardships of these tiresome times. She was too emotionally exhausted to feel ashamed of her vulnerability.

Her whole life, every obstacle was like quicksand, trying to suck her into a suffocating depression. She usually had something, _someone _to hold onto. Kaidan had been what she clung onto to avoid that quicksand- hell, he made her feel like it didn't exist. Yet she chose to end the relationship, knowing that it could never be the same and that she would only feel more hurt pretending otherwise. Ending it was the _best_ choice, but it didn't feel like a good one.

These thoughts were interrupted as a shadow moved over Shepard's arm. Liara situated herself beside the commander, holding the rail in her hands as her oceanic eyes examined the landscape. Self-consciousness greeted Shepard as she made a feeble attempt to discreetly wipe her eyes and breathe without sniffling.

Opening her mouth to speak, Shepard was surprised by a croaky, strangled noise, and cleared her throat. "Uh… Liara, I…" How was she supposed to politely ask to be left alone to sulk?

Liara quietly shushed the commander. "Shh, Shepard. We don't need to talk, but you're not sending me away again."

_She knows me too well_, Shepard thought, releasing a defeated sigh and returning her attention to the view. Shepard found herself taking steadier, less burdened breaths as they communicated with the silence. If there was anyone Shepard was comfortable enough with to cry, it was Liara. It was a peculiar idea that now their roles had been switched; instead of Shepard comforting a wavering Liara, it was the asari who came to the human's rescue.

After a length of time, Shepard's tears dried and her sinuses cleared. She took a seat at one of the café's pristine white tables and motioned for Liara to join her. Shepard propped herself up on her elbows; Liara did the same, but rested her chin atop her folded hands.

"I want you to know that I'm not intending to push you away. I've just been…" Struggling to find words, Shepard sighed.

"Tired," Liara substituted, "tired of everything being so hard." It was not a question, but a softly spoken statement that she seemed to relate to.

With a raised eyebrow, Shepard replied, "Sounds like you aren't having it very easy, either."

Liara leaned back in her seat and folded her hands on her stomach. She looked out at the clusters of people populating the Commons. Vendors were idling behind counters. Aliens of all sorts were relaxing on benches or casually strolling. There were at least three couples holding hands from this viewpoint.

"Look at these people, Shepard," Liara said in her feathery voice. "They're going about business as usual. There's a war going on, and they act like they don't know." She shook her head and stared on longingly.

Shepard examined the crowds as well. "Actually, EDI tells me that displays of public affection on the Citadel have been up by… whatever percent, I don't remember, but look there." She pointed toward two women, one asari and the other human, standing on some stairs, fingers laced together. They were close enough for their bellies to touch. "We could all be dead tomorrow. If these are our last moments, why not spend them enjoying ourselves?"

Liara's gaze lingered on the couple, watching them move up the stairs together, and asked quietly, "What happened with you and Kaidan?" Her eyes went to the floor.

Erin swallowed and formulated an abridged version of their exchange. "We, um… We talked about things that we should have talked about a long time ago, like Horizon. And… I ended it."

Liara's head snapped up. "You… broke up with him? Why?"

It wasn't a shocker that Liara seemed surprised. When one sees two people being so deeply in love one day and later hears about their separation, it tends to bounce around in their head some. Liara was aboard the Normandy SR1 when the rumors of her and Kaidan's relationship buzzed around. Hell, Shepard even told her about how much Kaidan meant to her in some of their talks.

Shepard released a sigh and continued. "The circumstances were against us, I think. We fell in love, I died, and he was grief stricken. Then I came back to life, which I'm sure is confusing enough. On top of that, he was too emotional to understand why I was working with Cerberus. We both left Horizon angry and hurt, and with our military lifestyles there weren't any real opportunities to make amends." She said these things indifferently, as if they happened to another woman. "Then I'm stuck in his hometown, Vancouver, for six months. I bump into him to find out he avoided reaching out to me. I felt hurt again, and five minutes later the Reapers roll in. Again, no chance to make amends." Shepard tilted her head back against her chair and sighed. "On Mars, we have another argument. Moments later he almost dies on my watch. Then I'm out fighting the enemies again with plenty of time to evaluate all of this."

Liara watched Shepard's brow crinkle as she rubbed her temples.

"But why did you leave him?" Liara wondered aloud. "You could have made amends when this was all over, when you don't have a 'military lifestyle,' when the circumstances won't be against you."

Shepard shook her head and let her arms hang by the sides of her chair, looking up at the sky. "He wanted to give it another try, but I know better. I would just be pretending; if he ever touched me, all I would be able to think about is how for a period of time he didn't trust me." Then, a single humorless laugh escaped her throat. "On Mars, he said he thought there might be some sort of control chip in me. For God's sake…"

Liara contemplated Shepard's words. So it was Shepard's decision to leave him, because she could never love him completely. This made Liara sympathetic toward the commander's loss, but also happy that now Shepard could be free of all this hurt and possibly go back to being her old self.

"Don't be too down about it, Erin," Liara advised. "You don't want him to be sad about it anymore than he wants you to be. Try to be happy, please, Erin." There was such innocent, begging sincerity in her voice.

Shepard's bronze eyes met Liara's pleading sapphire ones. The asari's words warmed Shepard's heart. Liara was right; Shepard did not wish any misery on Kaidan. She only wanted the best for the one she loved, and he couldn't feel any differently. For a moment, the two just basked in their friendship and all the kindness and compassion that came with it.

"So," Shepard said, leaning into the table, "about what I said before about these moments possibly being our last…"

"Yes?" Liara said.

"Unlike the civilians around here, we don't get to spend much of our time doing what we want. However, right now is one of those rare moments when we _can _do whatever we want to do_._ So how about we enjoy some time together? Why not take a walk around the Citadel?" Shepard proposed, wondering if the asari was instead going to preoccupy herself with one of her many datapads.

Instead, Liara gave a light, airy chuckle. "To think I came here to _comfort _you, and now you're asking me to go on a stroll." She stood up from her seat and almost childishly grinned at the commander. "You're seeming a bit more like your old self now."

Shepard stood too. "That's a big smile on your face, Liara," she noted as her own mouth curved. "Can I take that as a yes?"

"Yes. Let's go enjoy ourselves, Shepard."

The two began ambling side by side, arms occasionally bumping each other. Their heartwarming companionship gave birth to many smiles and laughter. For the first time in ages, Shepard could feel herself rising out of the quicksand, and it was Liara's hand which grasped hers to pull her out. Liara was jubilant to have finally reunited with the real Erin Shepard, the one she closely befriended years ago.

Downtime: No longer Shepard's worst enemy.


	7. Chapter VI: Music to My Ears

**Chapter VI: Music to My Ears**

There were parts of the Citadel that were not particularly appealing to the eye, like the many warehouses and office buildings. There were also places like the Holding Area where hundreds of displaced refugees lived out of a backpack while they waited for good news that was unlikely to come. This was more than just not fun to look at—it was saddening.

Then there were parts of the Citadel like Amity Park, a human-influenced exhibit. The quiet ambiance of easy chatter and the bubbling of a marble fountain calmed Shepard as she strode beside Liara under the deep azure sky, speckled with gemlike stars. Turquoise lamps glowed in the darkness, making Shepard feel like she was in a dim ocean. The atmosphere in Amity Park, as well as the presence of a close friend, gave Shepard and Liara a much needed sense of serenity as they seated themselves on the rim of the fountain.

"It's so peaceful here," Liara murmured, dipping a fingertip into the trickling water. "How come there are only a few dozen people in this park?"

"You need a membership," Shepard replied, leaning back on her hands and tilting her head toward space.

"How did we get in, then?" Liara asked warily, hoping Shepard hadn't broken any laws on her behalf.

"Come on, Liara," Shepard teased, "my name has to count for _something_. I even got Tali free access. Hopefully she'll be here soon." The asari took a moment to synthesize and recalled Shepard murmuring something to the man attending to the park entrance. Liara gave a light laugh, a little surprised by the commander's slyness, and went back to examining her surroundings. Shepard brought up her Omni-tool and sent Tali the location of the park.

"What's this?" she inquired, pointing toward the water. "Why are there coins in there?"

"Wishes," Shepard replied simply without having to look.

"What?"

"I guess it's just a human thing, then. It's an old tale that if you toss a coin in a fountain, your wish comes true. I don't think it really works, but it's fun to think about."

With a new sense of intrigue, Liara examined the wavering metallic blurs on the bottom of the water. "Where did they get the coins? No one uses physical currency anymore."

"Oh, there's still plenty floating around back on Earth, just not nearly as much as there used to be. Some people collect them."

"So they throw their collections into the water?" Liara repeated incredulously.

Shepard shrugged. "It's a small price to pay for a wish, right?" This made Liara smile, and Shepard loved the feeling of it. With the deep blue sky and blue lights, Liara's soft complexion seemed to melt into the hue of the atmosphere; Shepard felt like she was in some sort of dream sequence. She soaked in all the features of the woman's face like she had that night in her cabin. It was her same freckled face, slight slope of her forehead, smallish nose, and those _eyes_…

"Shepard, why are you looking at me like that?" Liara said it with a hint of nervousness.

Honestly, Erin Shepard wasn't quite sure. That night in her cabin, she had tried to memorize the woman's face in case she lost her like Ashley and the others; she wanted to be able to remember Liara with clarity. But now, Erin found herself staring because she just wanted to look at the asari. Her features were so endearing.

Unable to formulate an answer, Erin just turned her attention elsewhere. She pretended to watch one of the many groups of humans while she tried to sort through the unusual mixture of feelings stirring around inside her. Liara studied the commander with interest, and then quietly resumed her examination of the surroundings.

"Shepard, Liara," called a familiar voice. The two women gladly accepted the distraction and turned toward an approaching quarian. Tali'Zorah had a beautiful hood that wove around her glowing helmet. The fabric on her suit had intricate, meticulously constructed patterns. Of only twenty-five years, Tali'Zorah was slight and young in appearance but mature beyond her age. Such was the destiny of the Normandy's crew.

"Hey, Tali," Shepard greeted with a grin, motioning for her to sit beside her. "Glad you could make it."

"It's beautiful here," Tali mused, easing herself onto the marble and immediately being drawn to the bubbling fountain. "Not even the Presidium lake is made out of marble!"

With a laugh, Erin added, "Can you really compare something this small to the Presidium lake?"

The three of them engaged in a lighthearted conversation for the next several minutes, talking about their day and what they planned to do for the rest of their shore leave.

During a pause in the trio's chatter, a beautiful sound emanated from somewhere nearby. Shepard knew that sound well. Her eyes found an older woman who cuddled a violin under her chin. Dexterous fingers wove around the strings as a graceful arm moved the bow up and down. The acoustic instrument was crafted from a dark colored wood.

After watching the woman's slow, romantic performance for several minutes, Shepard turned back to her two companions only to find them absolutely absorbed in the deep vibratos of the instrument. Liara watched with glittering eyes and a constant smile. The two were in a trance.

"Never heard a violin before?" Shepard asked casually. Instead of the expected reply, Shepard got knowing chuckles from both aliens. The commander had a quizzical expression. "What?"

"If you only knew, Shepard," Tali said between her laughter. Liara just grinned, slightly less amused than the quarian by the nervousness on Shepard's face, but amused nonetheless.

"…What?" she repeated, eyes going from Tali to Liara and back. The asari looked to Tali, who cleared her throat before beginning the story.

It was several weeks after the destruction of Sovereign. Tali'Zorah stretched her arms wearily in the elevator. It was getting late and much of the Normandy SR1's crew was finishing up another long day's work. The elevator's doors opened with a distinctive robotic sound, and Tali stepped out. She was about to make her way to her quarters when she saw a cluster of people outside of Shepard's office. Navigator Pressly, Kaidan Alenko, Garrus Vakarian, Engineer Adams, Liara T'Soni, and even Doctor Chakwas were all frozen by Shepard's door as they listened intently.

"What are you—"

"Sh!" Pressly hissed, holding a finger up to his lips. "We're trying to hear!" Tali shrank back a bit; Karin Chakwas gave the navigator a disapproving look, but he just went back to listening. Tali turned up the auditory sensors on her exosuit and strained to hear. Ignoring the sound of the group's gentle breathing, Tali could hear some kind of sound coming from the other side of the door. She took a step closer and found that it was actually beautiful music. The sound was very rich and natural, unlike most of the electronic tunes people listened to nowadays.

Emotion crawled into the young woman's heart as the sound absorbed her. Strong crescendos built up the energy and pride just before a dramatic decline, which brought an uncannily genuine feeling of sadness to the listeners. It was triumphant yet bittersweet. The song ended with a very long note which became quieter and quieter and quieter. Even after the sound stopped, Tali felt as if she could still hear it. No one moved until they were positive that no more music would play.

"Wow," murmured the asari beside her. "What made that sound?"

"It sounds like a human string instrument," Kaidan said.

"Probably the violin," Pressly piped in, "I tried to learn when I was a boy. It was too hard for me."

"Was that a recording?" Tali wondered aloud.

"I doubt it," Karin Chakwas answered. "It sounded much too rich to be electronic. I suppose then our commander might be a talented musician."

Kaidan smiled and said, "Wouldn't surprise me." This earned him several mischievous looks from the group. For once, he did not blush; perhaps all of the teasing was losing its effect on him.

Liara took a step away from the group. "Perhaps we shouldn't be found outside of her office like this," she advised. "I think this would be considered an invasion of the commander's privacy."

Pressly snorted and muttered, "You asari sure are intuitive." This earned him another hard look from Chakwas. Pressly had improved his behavior around the other species since the beginning of the mission, but he still naturally lacked tact. Liara was still not used to the negativity she earned for being alien, and therefore flushed with embarrassment.

"Liara is right," the doctor said while remaining her professional composure. "We should all finish our duties and get some quality rest." The doctor accompanied the blushing, muted asari to the medical bay with a reassuring hand on her back.

Tali lingered for only a second and groaned, "Should have recorded it" before making her way to her quarters.

"So is it true, Shepard?" Tali inquired after finishing her story with Liara's help. The two looked hopefully toward the brunette woman, whose cheeks were the slightest shade pinker. Shepard bowed her head and laughed sadly.

"Yep, I was playing the violin that day," she admitted with modesty. "I remember it clearly. It had been my first time since being assigned on the Normandy." Glossy, reminiscent eyes examined her footwear as the memory replayed in her mind.

"Are you alright, Shepard?" Liara asked softly, sharing a sense of confusion with the quarian.

"What's wrong?" Tali piped in.

_Such nice people, being so worried about me_, Shepard thought to herself. She was lucky to have friends like these. Shepard turned toward them and formed a reassuring smile on her face, as if to say, _Don't worry, I'm fine._

"Nothing is wrong. I was just thinking about that song you described, the 'bittersweet' one, as you put it." The quarian and asari waited expectantly. Shepard continued, "I made it up, for Ashley; it was my tribute to her." A lump followed in her throat, but it wasn't so hard to swallow anymore.

Despite Shepard's reassurances, her two friends still looked guilty; Liara froze and cast her eyes down, and Tali watched her hands wring each other in her lap. "Sorry, Shepard, we didn't mean to…"

"There's nothing to be sorry about, really. I'm flattered that you all liked it so much," Erin said. Her voice was overly happy in an attempt to restore the carefree mood from before. "Maybe someday I'll play for you, when I get a new violin." The old one was a pile of ashes on Alchera. "For now, let's just enjoy ourselves… Commander's orders."

And so, the three directed their attention back to the soloist, who was playing a different tune. It was slow, lulling, and romantic. Some of the other people in Amity Park paired off and began a slow dance. Others watched from the side, nursing drinks in abstractly shaped glasses.

Shepard turned to look toward the asari and found that now _she _was studying her. Liara's eyes darted away quickly as her blue face blushed a little. Shepard gave a soundless chuckle and maintained her gaze on the asari. Liara hesitantly linked eyes. After receiving a soothing, almost dreamy expression from the commander, Liara's purple lips bent into a girlish smile. Tali'Zorah didn't seem to notice; she was still distracted by the violinist.

Shepard felt confusing feelings stir inside as she was drawn to the asari. Perhaps it was the friendship; in light of her recent miseries, Shepard had been drinking in their companionship like a dehydrated person. Something about Liara was so appealing. Shepard abruptly looked away, finding that she could not think clearly while basking in the asari's beauty. Liara's pleasant expression turned to a frown; she was also confused.

_Goddess, why are these humans so hard to understand? _Liara thought.

**A/N: Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it! Whether or not, please write a review and let me know how I am doing.**


	8. Chapter VII: WhatSheDoesInHerFreeTime

**Author's Note: This chapter is quite long, and so I'm dividing it into parts to make it easier to read in smaller bits. ****As usual, thank you for reading and please review. Reviews mean a lot to me because I take what you say and use it to make myself into a better writer.**

**For those of you who are wanting answers as far as Shepard and Liara, all I have to say is you just need to be patient and see what happens. Your questions will be answered soon. :)  
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><p>Lieutenant James Vega and Commander Erin Shepard stood in the Citadel elevator. In their arms were several boxes of supplies from the Normandy, which Dr. Chakwas suggested to be donated to the refugees. Even though Chakwas was constantly dressing someone's wound, however serious or subtle, she declared their stockpile to be much too much for one ship.<p>

Standing side by side in that elevator, Erin and James could not look more opposite. Shepard looked like an ant next to her lieutenant; he was over a foot taller than her and much wider thanks to his gigantic arms and abdomen. His t-shirt was tight and carved out his pecs. Shepard, on the other hand, was of average build for a five-foot-five marine. She was petite in the sense that she didn't have too much extra fat, but her skeletal frame was medium in size. That, coupled with her muscularity, made Shepard look sturdy; durable. But while standing beside James Vega, she couldn't help but feel dwarfed.

Besides size, there were visible personality differences between the two. Vega was ever so slightly bobbing his head to the elevator music while Shepard had her gaze fixed on the wall. James' hair was gelled upwards, a style used by so many young people. Erin's long untreated hair cascaded naturally (nevertheless, beautifully) down her shoulders. Her face was also without makeup.

James Vega was effortlessly holding a stack of four large boxes in his arms. Shepard had half as many and was struggling to keep her grip on them.

"I'd help you, Lola, but if I stack these any higher I won't be able to see." He chuckled while Shepard concentrated on balancing the heavy boxes. "You seriously need to hit the gym if you're having trouble with _two _boxes."

"Don't forget I'm the one who walked away un-bloodied from that 'dance' a few weeks ago," Erin pointed out with a wry smile, thinking back to their little brawl.

James scoffed. "_Please_, I wasn't trying. I wouldn't actually try to hurt a woman… let alone my superior officer."

"As if I was pulling rank!" Shepard laughed. James joined in on the laughter, his wide jaw containing a pearly grin. When things were quiet again, the commander added, more seriously, "Hey, thanks for helping me bring these supplies to the Holding Area, Vega. It's going to mean a lot for the refugees."

"'Ey, don't mention it, Lola. I'd do anything to help these people." With a sigh, he added, "Especially after having to leave Earth."

She casted an empathetic look toward the lieutenant. "There's nowhere I'd rather be than on Earth, James. But don't forget that we are making a huge difference." The reassurance was partly for herself.

The elevator doors opened, and the two soldiers stepped out. "Aye-aye, Lola," James said. "Now where do we put these… whoa, what's going on here?"

Instead of the refugees being evenly dispersed throughout the floor, they were all crowded around something in the far end. A line of C-Sec officers (mostly turian) was pushing them away from something. Before Shepard had a chance to investigate, a Turian enforcer approached the two.

"Hold it, hold it! What's in those boxes?" the C-Sec officer demanded. He had an assault rifle in his hand, but he did not point it at the two.

"Medigel, bandages, food packs, water—"

"Alright, alright," the Turian interrupted impatiently, motioning for the two to follow. His walk was stiff and robotic. "Donations go over here. Follow me." Erin and James did as they were told, but continued to look toward whatever the commotion was nearby. The officer motioned for them to set their boxes down behind a receptionist's desk.

"What's going on over there?" James inquired, brow furrowing.

"We got a bit of a situation," said the Turian with a sigh, "a hysterical ex-Alliance marine waving a weapon around. He's threatening to off himself and another guy. He's taken him hostage."

"What?" James exclaimed, "Is he crazy?"

"He's probably got PTSD or something." Another sigh. "It's a real shame, what this war is doing to people."

"What about the hostage?" Shepard inquired, urgently but composed.

"Him, I figure could be a refugee. He's wearing your typical I've-been-running-for-my-life overalls, all dirtied up. He's missing an arm, too, but that's not the marine's doing. So far, no one's hurt."

Shepard turned toward the horde of refugees being pushed back. She crossed her arms thoughtfully and continued with, "Are the civilians being evacuated?"

"We're pushing them into the far ends of the floor. Moving them all out would take far too long; there's thousands here. Trust me, Ma'am, the guy won't have a chance to shoot any of them. He's blocked off by several of our operatives. We're just seeing if we won't have to shoot him."

_It would take too long to evacuate the civilians? _Shepard thought to herself, suppressing a scoff. She shook her head. _C-Sec had better have the situation under control. _

"You guys got a hostage negotiator or anything?" James queried. The C-Sec officer sighed tiredly, growing impatient with all the questions.

"Of course we have a damn negotiator; it's just not helping the situation. Look, you two, we know how to do our jobs. We are doing everything possible, and the situation is under control." The statement was very automatic; he had probably said it countless times before.

"What happens if the negotiator can't negotiate?" Shepard pressed. The turian rolled his eyes at her persistence.

"Then, unfortunately, we have to take the shot on the marine. We'd at least save the hostage. At this point, it's looking like that's what we're going to have to do."

For Erin, it wasn't easy thinking that a troubled marine would survive the Reapers just to get gunned down on the Citadel. It wasn't unlikely that the turian's post-traumatic stress disorder theory was correct; far too many soldiers suffered from the condition lately. It was understandable; giant sentient beasts farming the galaxy of all organic life was a little stressful, if not horrifying.

Shepard took a step closer to the turian. "Let me talk to the guy before you decide to take the shot."

The Turian looked the commander up and down. "No offense, but if our trained specialist can't reason with this guy, I don't think you can."

"Is your trained specialist a council spectre?" James prodded, folding his arms and smirking. The officer's eyes widened.

"Spectre?" the officer repeated, looking at Erin with renewed interest. Erin crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. "You're a spectre?"

James clarified. "Meet Commander Shepard." Wryness took over the lieutenant's face as the turian's mouth went agape.

"Oh, you're… Of course, you are! Commander, I apologize." Shepard held up a hand to silence him. He shifted uncomfortably at first, then straightened his back and gave a formal salute. "I suppose a famous war hero might be able to sway our hostage taker, or at least have a better chance than the guy we have working on it now."

"Then lead me there," Shepard ordered. The turian stalled with a puzzled look on his face.

"You're about to put yourself in front of a crazy man with a gun, Commander. You know you're not getting paid for this, right?"

She chuckled, but not because it was funny. "I'm well aware, Officer." A few seconds passed as he continued to examine the commander with confusion.

"Ahem. Well then, if you'd just follow me, Ma'am."

James and Shepard were pushed through the thick crowd of civilians. As they passed through, Shepard could hear bits of their conversations. Some of them were excited, others worried. Several had their Omni-tools out to record, but were quickly advised not to do so by C-Sec.

Vega, Shepard, and their turian escort broke through to the ring of C-Sec officers. They were too closely packed for her to see around them. She looked toward James, who gave her a reassuring nod. Solemnly, he said, "Nothing like a bit of endangerment on your time off, huh, Lola?"

"I guess so," Shepard murmured, a little disbelieving of what she had gotten herself into. "Thanks for the name drop back there, James." She leaned in closer and quietly added, "It was fun to see that guy squirm." James laughed and gave the commander a casual salute before separating from her and the turian. "I'll be nearby," he called out.

"Outta the way, outta the way. We got a new negotiator here," the turian said, easing the other officers out of the way. Shepard looked around and saw several other Citadel Security personnel listening to their earpieces and talking hurriedly. It took several minutes for her turian to communicate with the others to allow her to enter the situation. Every time an operative heard that Commander Shepard was present, she would receive a new salute. She returned most of the salutes and did so unenthusiastically; it was a little frustrating to be slowed down by pleasantries while there was a hostage situation nearby.

When everything was arranged, the turian turned back to Shepard. "Let me fill you in. The man holding the gun is Alliance. Both him and the man he's aiming at are unidentified." He stopped talking and stared at the commander. Shepard waited for him to go on, but he didn't.

"And?"

"Unfortunately, that's all I can offer you; the gun wielder isn't answering any questions or budging at all."

"Great," she muttered.

"Hey," the turian continued with a shrug, "you signed up for this."

_Story of my life. _But what Shepard had here was a chance to even things out a bit, at least in her mind. An image resurfaced in her mind: A red-headed woman on Mars, not possibly any older than Shepard, being dragged into a clearing by a Cerberus trooper. Shepard had her scope focused on the troopers, but she was too slow; one of them drew his gun on the redhead, and Shepard was too slow.

She took several deep breaths, closed her eyes, and tried to find some sense of calm. _This is redemption, _she told herself. Then Erin stepped through the ring.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I hope these line breaks make your life easier. Here is Chapter VII, Part II.**

The hostage taker was disheveled and wild looking. This was not at all a surprise to Erin. Before her was a broken man with an overgrown black beard. An eye patch hung over one side of his face while scars and bruises marred the other side. In his shaking hand was a pistol, which he aimed at the head of his hostage. He wore Alliance casuals, whereas the hostage toted torn, burned clothing. He was missing his left arm, had patches of his hair missing, and an empty gun holster hanging around his waist. Shepard noticed that the man holding the weapon had no such holster; she deduced that he had stolen the weapon off of his hostage beforehand.

"Hey, Sir, do you hear me?" Shepard asked. She took a step deeper into the ring, her heart hammering inside her chest. She did her best to remain calm and in control on the outside, but the feeling of being unarmed in the presence of an unsteady gun-toting ex-marine was not comforting.

"Of course I fucking hear you," the man growled, his eye still fixed on the shivering man who he aimed his gun at. "I'm not deaf, goddammit, that's not the problem!"

"Why don't you tell me what the problem is?" Erin inquired gently.

"Why—why don't you tell me what the fuck it is you want!" His gun hand shook even more violently as he screamed the words. He was struggling to keep it aimed at his hostage's head as hysteria enveloped him.

"I want you to put the gun down so that no one has to get hurt." He did not react to her voice. "Would it help you if you knew my name? My name is Erin Shepard."

The atmosphere intensified. The group behind her began to buzz with whispers. The man's squared jaw rippled as he mulled over her words. He chanced a look toward Erin, quickly glancing between her and his hostage. The hostage seemed to breathe easier now that his captor's attention was divided. Still, he was frozen in place with his one arm raised in submission.

"What was that? Erin Shepard, did you say?"

"Yes, Erin Shepard."

"_Commander _Erin Shepard? The Alliance hero? Savior of the Citadel, Killer of Collectors?" He spoke more softly now.

Shepard sighed; she hated all of these superhero nicknames people gave her. They couldn't be more unfitting. "Yes, I'm Commander Erin Shepard." Erin watched the man clench and unclench his jaw, constantly adjusting his grip on his weapon. A fire burned in his one eye just before he suddenly repositioned the handgun. Now the weapon was pointed toward Erin Shepard, whose hands went halfway in the air instinctively. Erin's heart thumped wildly. Her blood pulsed loudly in her ears. She could only focus on what was inside this ring: herself, the hostage, and the hostage taker. Everything beyond that melted away.

"You're just a goddamn glorified Alliance bitch!" he hollered from behind his human shield. The veins in his neck bulged. A debilitating sense of nervousness paralyzed Erin as she looked down the barrel of his gun. She could hear the officers behind her resituate their weapons. Some of them began to whisper to each other. This certainly was not the expected reaction to her presence.

"Okay, I guess you don't like me very much…" she muttered as a bead of sweat developed on her temple. "I want you to please tell me your name." As afraid as she was with that barrel pointed at her, Shepard would do anything to avoid having to have C-Sec shoot. However, Shepard was afraid she just pushed the man closer to the edge. _I'm not as highly regarded as I thought,_ she decided grimly.

"My name?" the man repeated. "Why do you want my name, huh? So you know what to put on your paperwork when you guys gun me down?"

"No one has to get gunned down, sir. I just want your name so I know what to call you." Shepard continued to hold her hands lowly in the air. She watched the man breathe laboriously behind his shaking human shield, whose face was streamed with tears. The hostage looked to Shepard. His eyes pleaded for her to save him. She swallowed whatever was blocking her airways.

"You… You just call me Mister Brilling, _Commander._" The gunman said it disdainfully, and with a little bit of mockery. Shepard suppressed her feelings of annoyance and the tingling sensation in her weak knees. Getting his name was a little bit of progression, and so she ventured forth with fresher determination.

"Okay, Mr. Brilling." She did not like calling him mister, but pretended to be respectful anyway. "Now tell me why you hate me so much."

Brilling gave a single humorless chuckle as his one eye darted to each C-Sec officers, then back to the commander. He shrugged sarcastically. "You know, everyone calls you a goddam hero. You saved millions of people on the Citadel years ago. And what the fuck are you doing _here_?" He gestured toward the room around them with his gun, and then went back to aiming at Erin. "Earth has been ravaged by these goddamn machines! Millions have died." The pitch and volume of his voice was rising as he grew more and more hysterical.. "Where—_the fuck—were you_, 'hero?'"

Shepard's throat closed. If under different circumstances, Shepard would simply punch this man out and dust off her hands. But all she could do here was try to keep calm.

"Maybe if you were doing your job like the rest of us, my wife and daughter wouldn't have died!" Now Shepard felt her brow soften. Anger was replaced with sympathy.

The marine moved his mouth to the hostage's ear. "And you, Eric. I trusted you with my family! How did it happen that they die and you survive!"

"L—listen to me," the hostage croaked, begging for air, "I tried to help them, but there were too many husks…"

Brilling tightened his chokehold on the hostage's neck. After 'husks,' he didn't want to hear any more. The hostage made an awful sound as his airways were constricted.

Shepard's anxiety grew; at this point, his death would be on her hands. _Not sure I can pull this off_, she thought gravely, honestly. _I shouldn't get involved in these things… _But she had to try her best. "Mr. Brilling, I'm sorry for your loss. I truly am."

"Fuck you, Shepard," he groaned, tightening his grip on his weapon, eyes narrowing.

"Look, I'm not a hero. People say these things because they don't know the reality of war like you and I do." Her eyes went to the Alliance logo on his fatigues, then to his eye patch. "I'm guessing you've been discharged for your injury?"

"What the hell does it matter?" he retorted, growing more annoyed with Erin by the second.

"You got that wound fighting the Reapers, Mr. Brilling. They're the enemy. Is this man you're holding the enemy?"

The hostage quivered even more in his captor's grasp, struggling for air. Fortunately, the captor furrowed his brow in contemplation and loosened up his grip a bit.

"Mr. Brilling, this man is not those husks. Killing him or anyone won't bring your family back. It won't solve anything; it'll just make things worse for everyone." She dared a step closer. Brilling did not move.

"I… I don't care. Someone has to pay. I'm thinking you, this guy, and myself could all use some rest, huh?" His gun went to his hostage's head in demonstration, and then back toward Shepard.

How much time had passed? Her legs felt so weak, Shepard wouldn't be surprised if they'd been here for hours. A hint of nausea swirled around inside her stomach. All she could hear was her own breathing. She mentally assured herself that she'd been under worse pressure before. Mustering her courage, Shepard chanced to say, "Do you want to become a murderer in memory of your wife and daughter? Would they want you to kill this guy, or would they want you to find strength to fight the real enemy in their honor?" Erin said it softly, sincerely, for it was her mentality; whenever she saw that memorial wall on the Normandy, she embraced the awful sadness that came with it and turned it into fuel. Or tried to, at least.

Everyone watched intently. At first, there seemed to be no reaction. Everyone, including Brilling, remained stock still. Time stretched on until Brilling's eyes brimmed with tears. His breathing began to speed up before it declined into a series of quiet sobs. The one-eyed man tried to speak between his crying, but could not do so articulately. Everyone waited eagerly for him to control his emotions. The anticipation was slowly wearing Shepard down.

"I…" He shook his head sadly and swallowed. "I want a way out."

A wave of relief washed over Erin, and she did her best not to show it. But he was going to give up! She nodded and quietly said, "Of course, Mr. Brilling. I just need you to put the gun down."

"No, I want _them _to put their guns down," he protested, jutting his chin toward the series of armed C-Sec officers.

"Okay, sure. Let's all put our weapons down slowly, then, alright?" Erin turned to look at the stoic figures behind her for approval. One or two of the officers shook their head, not in favor of giving up arms. Shepard ignored them and pressed on.

"Okay, we all agree. These officers will follow your lead, Mr. Brilling. They'll put their weapons down as you put yours down. One, two…" Erin hoped that everyone would just go along with the plan; have some faith in her. She was short of breath when she said the final number. "Three."

At first, no one moved. All eyes were on the Brilling and his human shield. Very gradually, Brilling began to lower himself, the hostage still in his hold. He tentatively lowered his weapon until it was a few feet off the ground. Shepard turned very slowly to see if the officers were mirroring him. Fortunately, they moved at almost exactly the same time as the troubled marine. Half a second after his gun touched the metal floor, Shepard heard all of C-Sec's assault rifles click as they were set down.

"Now let go of that man and let him walk toward us," Erin instructed.

"I…"

"Mr. Brilling, you're so close. Trust me."

A hoarse sigh escaped the man's throat as his arm slowly moved away from his hostage, who gasped for air and darted toward the ring of officers. They protectively pushed him behind their large bodies. In one swift motion, the officers bent down, picked up their weapons, and aimed them back at Brilling. Brilling stumbled backward, startled. Two turians stepped forward to cuff the marine.

Shepard let out the breath she had been holding for so long as a cheer erupted behind her. There was clapping and shouting as the apprehended man was guided through the crowd, no doubt en route for C-Sec headquarters. Erin shook her head, annoyed by the elation of the onlookers. They didn't understand that this man was not a villain. He was just as troubled by loss as anyone else; the only difference was that he couldn't handle his despair. Shepard stood with her head bowed, hands balled into fists, until someone came up behind her and dropped a hand on her shoulder.

"Good work, Commander," said the turian officer from before. He gave her a reassuring nod and added, "I'm glad we could find a peaceful solution to this whole mess."

"Officer, could you do me a favor?" Erin asked, crossing her arms and turning to face him.

"Of course, Commander."

"Make sure that guy doesn't just rot in jail or some shady psych ward. Get him help, alright?"

The turian mulled it over for a moment, then replied with, "I guess I could do that. It shouldn't be too hard to keep him out of jail since he didn't actually shoot anyone. Could plead for PTSD, and—"

"Whatever it takes, Officer," Shepard interrupted, holding up a hand to stop his banter. "Thank you." Shepard turned to leave.

* * *

><p><strong>Another break. This is the third part of the chapter.<strong>

Her legs still felt weak, and her heartbeat was just starting to slow down a bit as she maneuvered through the excited crowd. Erin's face did not reflect the excitement that the onlookers felt; instead, her jaw was set, brow furrowed, lips pursed. It actually took all of her energy to maintain her composure instead of lashing out at the ridiculous cheerers.

_I'm not a damn hero, _she growled mentally. She hurried into the elevator and punched a button for a different floor. It was time to escape to the Normandy. A few people were running toward her, wanting to have a word with their newest inspiration. The doors were about to close, when…

"Shepard, wait!" called a familiar voice. Liara?

Shepard blocked the closing door with her foot, just in time for Liara, James, Garrus, and Tali to squeeze inside. "Liara, Garrus, Tali… what are you guys doing here?" She knew she brought James with her, but how did her other three friends show up?

"Lieutenant Vega told us what was happening," Tali answered, wasting no time in operating the elevator. She wanted to get the doors shut before Shepard's newfound fans got inside.

"Naturally, we were all concerned. We wanted to show up in case anything happened," Liara supplied. Her eyes portrayed concern, but also respect. Shepard let her head rest against the back wall of the elevator. _These friends I have,_ she thought with a smile.

Reporters and other vermin were just a few feet away from the elevator now. The doors still weren't closing. Garrus stepped in front of the doorway and stood as large and imposingly as possible. James moved to his side, and the two big and powerful bodies kept anyone else out of their elevator. When the doors finally began to close, a newsman reached out to try and push it open again.

"You don't want to do that," Garrus stated simply, crossing his arms and giving the newsman a look out of his blue eyepiece. He tilted the scarred side of his face toward him. The newsman's hand froze, much like the terror on his face. His hand withdrew slowly. The doors shut with a satisfying _clunk _and Shepard's shoulders dropped.

"Thanks for the help, guys," Shepard breathed, letting her arms drop to her side.

"No problem," Garrus replied, leaning against the wall. "I know how you feel about reporters; wouldn't want you to punch anyone out in front of a squad of C-Sec."

"Speaking of getting punched out," Tali began, crossing her arms disapprovingly and turning to face the commander. "You just willingly put yourself in front of an unstable marine with a gun, Shepard. What were you thinking?" The quarian shook her head. You risk your life enough on a daily basis, and then you spend your time off in a hostage situation!"

"Come on, I stand in front of more guns than that regularly," Shepard pointed out in a light and humorous tone.

"True," Liara said in a low voice, "but you're usually wearing armor." Shepard was incredulous, looking at the serious faces of her quarian and asari friends, and then to the two males for support. "Are you two… mad at me?" Shepard asked, her mouth slightly agape. Liara's face remained stoic. Tali's facial expression was not visible, for obvious reasons, but after a moment of uncomfortable silence, the quarian burst into laughter. Liara let her grin have free reign; James and Garrus joined in, guffawing and gripping the wall for support.

"Oh my god," Shepard mumbled, "I don't get you guys anymore." Still, she was smiling.

"It's just a little concerning, Shepard," Tali continued, "the things you do in your free time. Hostage situations today, what's next?" More laughter.

"Nothing the commander can't handle, though." Garrus gave Shepard a nudge, a little too hard, and the commander stumbled into James. James did the same, and soon Shepard was being bounced around like a ragdoll.

The five friends, surrounded by their laughter and smiles, exited the elevator and began their walk back to the Normandy.

"This is a good excuse to get drunk and play some cards, right, Lola?" James ventured. "I mean, you just saved two lives and donated six boxes of supplies for refugees. It's time to celebrate!"

"Alcohol and poker chips are your idea of celebration, Vega?" Garrus repeated, giving the lieutenant a sideways look. "You sound like a decent young man."

"Ha, let's see what you say after I take all your money," James debated smugly. Garrus shrugged nonchalantly.

"I'll take you up on the challenge, Lieutenant, assuming Shepard is okay with it."

James and Garrus turned toward the commander for approval. Even Tali and Liara were amused by the idea and cast expectant eyes toward her. Shepard rubbed her brow with the back of her wrist and murmured, "Four against one, wow. I guess it's time to put the party room into use, then." Her quartet of friends cheered and clapped excitedly. "Good thing I didn't get shot, or you guys wouldn't be having this party," Shepard joked with a grin.

Liara frowned. "Shepard, your sense of humor..."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Thanks for reading. PLEASE remember to review. I wasn't terribly confident about this chapter but I decided to publish it anyway. Therefore, it would really help me out if I got some reviews to let me know how I did. You can be as constructively critical as you wish!<strong>

**I have a few more days off and I should be getting into the next chapter, which will take place right after this one. You'll get to see the "party" they're going to have.  
><strong>


	9. Chapter VIII: DrunkWordsAreSoberThoughts

**Chapter VIII: Drunk Words are Sober Thoughts**

Until that day, the little party room on the Normandy had gone unused. Rows of neon bottles were nothing more than decorations on the walls. The green felt poker table had untouched cards and chips stacked neatly in the center… until that afternoon.

Shepard kept true to her word and allowed a small gathering to be held in celebration of the diffused hostage situation. While this was the official reason, it was common knowledge that everyone just wanted an excuse to let loose. So, EDI, Joker, Garrus, Tali, Liara, James, and Shepard occupied the room today. The neatly lined up bottles were taken off the wall and popped open; to Garrus' surprise, the Normandy even had alcohol suitable for turians. It wasn't long before Joker and James seated themselves at the poker table. Joker was shuffling the cards when he called out, "Hey, anyone else going to join us?"

"No thanks," was the reply given by Liara and Tali. They didn't know how to play. James turned to Garrus.

"What about you, Garrus? Chickening out?" he prodded. Garrus took one swig of his drink, set it down on the counter with a loud _clink_, and flexed his neck.

"I wouldn't miss an opportunity for some easy creds," he retaliated with a confident smirk. The turian seated himself at the table and added, "Shepard, you know how to play poker, right?"

Erin was just seating herself at the counter. "Sure I do, but I'm going to pass this one up."

"Come on, Commander!" Joker protested.

The C.O. shrugged. Then a mischievous smile crept onto her face. "I'm sure EDI wouldn't mind a friendly game, though. Right, EDI?"

The three men at the table had their mouths hanging open as EDI turned her attention to the card game. With her perfectly articulate speech, she answered, "I am not familiar with the rules of the game, but it would only take a moment for me to learn. I will research the regulations now." Everyone watched EDI freeze as her computer brain looked up the game. Almost immediately, she confirmed that she had learned the rules and moved to sit beside a flabbergasted Joker. Shepard flashed a wry smile at the nervous gamblers before turning around.

The three women were seated at the barstools facing the collection of brightly colored alcohol on the wall. Only Liara was without her own bottle. Shepard turned to the asari. "You don't want a drink?"

Liara shook her head and folded her hands on the countertop. "I'm not one for drinking."

Shepard eyed her with playful curiosity, then dared to say, "You've never been drunk, have you?"

Liara shifted in her seat uncomfortably. Her eyes went to her hands briefly before returning the commander's look with her own shy expression. "No, I'm not that kind of person. And don't give me that look, Shepard; I have no desire to find out what it's like."

"Fair enough." The mischief gone from her face, she turned her attention to the bottle in her own hands, which contained a bright pink liquid. She spun the container around idly in her hands, pretending to read the labels and such.

She wouldn't mind getting hammered; it would protect her from tonight's inevitable nightmares. But she wasn't about to start drunkenly spilling her emotions around other people.

"Well, the boys and I have no problem with drinking," Tali muttered, as if she read Shepard's mind. She was fussily trying to connect a straw to a small induction port in her forearm. "This is too damn hard to do with one hand…"

"Here," Shepard offered. She reached out and helped the quarian connect her little alcoholic lifeline to her suit's port. Tali offered her thanks and poured a small amount of her drink into the straw. As usual, the commander was curious about life as a quarian. Tali had probably heard these questions millions of times, though, so Shepard decided not to spoil the mood.

Their attention went to the poker players behind them. They were so intense, it was hilarious. Joker was staring intently at his cards, brow furrowed. Garrus examined each competitor with an analytic stare. James raised an eyebrow cockily at whoever made eye contact with him and took several swigs from his drink. EDI sat in her chair, back straight, cards close to her chest. Her eyes swept over each face. No doubt she was evaluating their facial expressions or something.

"EDI, stop giving me that look," Joker muttered, throwing his cards down to fold.

"What look, Jeff?" EDI inquired.

"Just let the lady play the game in peace," James moaned, though even he stole a nervous look toward the AI now and then. Garrus suppressed an amused chuckle and continued to play the game. Shepard noticed that EDI had a satisfied smile, even though it was barely noticeable. Other than that, she possessed the ultimate poker face. _Glad I decided to sit this one out, _Shepard thought.

"I'm glad we're not having this at Purgatory," Liara mused, leaning on her elbows. "That place is just… it's too hard to think there."

"Most people go there so they can stop thinking," Tali pointed out, pouring more alcohol into her suit. "But yeah, I'd rather be able to rest my head against a wall that wasn't throbbing with the bass." Tali leaned back against the wall so that she was facing the human and the asari. "There's less dancing here, though."

Shepard thought she heard Garrus make a comment about quarian dancers. Tali turned toward him with subtle interest.

"Is no dancing such a bad thing?" Liara murmured, mostly to herself. Shepard figured she wasn't one for dancing, either.

"Actually, no. At least we don't have to watch Shepard try to dance here." Tali's face was invisible, but Shepard had a feeling the quarian was grinning. Shepard's mouth bent into a crooked smile, and she jokingly jabbed Tali with her elbow.

"You dance, Shepard?" Joker had just piped into the conversation from the poker table. His tone was incredulous.

Shepard shook her head and said with a laugh, "Only when I've had way too much to drink."

"Speaking of which…" This was James. He grasped the bottle by his side and emptied it into his throat. "Someone toss me another bottle." He twisted around in his seat and looked expectantly toward the three seated by the counter.

"What?" Shepard said, "I'm not a bartender."

"Yeah, well, you're over there, and I'm over here…"

Shepard cocked an eyebrow. "Yeah, well, you're the lieutenant and I'm the commander."

This caused an eruption of laughter from Shepard's friends, even James, being the good sport that he was. He threw his hands up in mock defeat and said, "Alright, alright, Lola." He moved to rise from his chair, but Shepard held a hand up to stop him.

"I'm just messing with you, James." She moved around the counter, grabbed a bottle, and tossed it his way. He gave her a joking salute before twisting his new drink open and resuming the game.

The poker game continued, and Shepard, Liara, and Tali started new conversations. They talked about countless things, like Shepard's violin, Grissom Academy, all the squad mates from the Collector mission, the original Normandy; They also discussed Flotilla dancers (Garrus joined the conversation), Asari dancers (Garrus, Joker, and James all had plenty to say about this, much to Liara's embarrassment), and turian dancers (not a favored topic). Time went on, and Liara and Erin noticed that Tali was growing more and more entertaining as the alcohol entered her system.

The evening went on. The poker game came to a conclusion. EDI was the last one standing in the end, no surprise to anyone. Fortunately for her competition, she denied any payout, saying that she had no need for 'additional funding'.

James was the first one out, both in the sense that he lost all his chips _and _passed out from the alcohol. Shepard lost count of how many bottles she sent his way before she deemed it a bad idea for him to take in any more. With slurred speech, James had cursed the commander for denying him his drink. She took no offense, but instead joined in the laughter of her friends as Garrus struggled to help James move the lieutenant's bulky body to the couch.

Joker already stumbled a little when he walked on any given day, but when he was drunk he could barely stand on two feet. EDI wrapped her arm around the rosy-cheeked pilot's waist to support him. This earned them a few giggles and teases from the rest of the partygoers as they departed.

Shepard turned her attention to Tali'Zorah, who lay slumped against the wall, head a little askew.

"My god, Tali drank herself to sleep," Erin mused with an entertained grin. She poked the quarian gently in the arm. There was no reaction.

"I can take her to her quarters," Garrus offered as he stood up from his seat. "Unlike the others, I can drink a little alcohol and still have my coordination." As usual, his tone was coolly nonchalant. The turian laid a hand on Tali's shoulder and shook her gently. Like before, she did not awaken. "Damn, she's really out," Garrus said, amused. He shrugged and scooped his arms under hers to lift her out of the chair. In a swift motion, he swept her up and was holding her in his arms. The abrupt movement woke Tali up. Shepard and Liara chuckled as the confused, half-conscious quarian squirmed in Garrus' hold as they left the room.

Now it was just Shepard and Liara. Liara swiveled in her stool so that she was facing the commander, and Shepard did the same. They both leaned their elbows on the counter and just looked at each other in friendly comfort as the silence stretched on. Erin could feel the asari's eyes groping her face, and she examined her in return. By now Shepard felt she knew Liara's face fairly well, but looking at it wasn't getting tiring.

"Did you have a good time?" Liara asked casually. Shepard noticed her eyes steal a glance at Shepard's untouched bottle of alcohol.

"Yeah. It was nice to be able to just relax in good company," Shepard answered. "What about you?"

"I was very entertained watching everyone slowly succumb to the alcohol. Tali got very talkative, and then suddenly very quiet." Liara's humored oceanic eyes caught Erin's attention, mesmerizing her for the briefest moment. Both women waited for the other to strike up a new topic of conversation. There were few things on Shepard's mind that she wanted to talk to Liara about; most of the time Shepard thought about things that would completely kill this relaxed mood. But in Liara's presence, Shepard had trouble focusing on anything other than how captivating the woman was. This was something she didn't dare to voice.

So much about her attraction to Liara scared Shepard. For one, the cuts from her and Kaidan's broken relationship still stung. On top of that, Shepard did not want to chance ruining this blissful friendship because of her attraction to Liara. In light of her past relationship experience, Shepard was confident that she could screw anything up.

So many things told Shepard to avoid this desire, and yet it was all she wanted in that moment.

"Liara."

"Yes, Shepard?"

Shepard's expression was unreadable. Liara waited expectantly, curiously, a little nervously. The longer Shepard paused, the more unsettling the atmosphere became.

Finally, Shepard opened her mouth to speak, but she was interrupted by a loud snore coming from the couch. Shepard peeled her gaze away from Liara to find James asleep on the couch, resting on his back. Shepard forgot he was there.

"We should reposition him," Liara suggested. Shepard could see the gears turning in her head.

"Why should we do that?"

"The optimal position for an unconscious drunk individual is to be on their side," Liara explained. "I read that they can choke on their vomit in their sleep if not properly situated."

A very amused look took over Shepard's face. Liara's eyes widened in fear that she had something daft. "What?"

"Nothing," Shepard assured her, still smiling. "It's just that you're so…" Her voice trailed off as she carefully chose her words.

"Silly? Odd?" Liara supplied lightheartedly.

"I was thinking more like _endearing_," Shepard answered truthfully. Liara's eyebrows raised in amusement, and she couldn't help the slight blushing and shy smile. It was adorable to Shepard; like she said, Liara was endearing.

"I think the same about you, Shepard." Liara said it sweetly and with a tender smile. Shepard thanked her and tried not to think into it too much; maybe she just meant it in a friendly way. Still, Shepard felt herself hoping that the attraction was mutual. They were sitting closely, knees brushed against each other. Both of them had a hand on the counter. All Shepard would need to do was move her fingers an inch, and they'd be holding hands. All she had to do was lean in a bit and maybe…

"You should go to bed, Liara. It's getting late," Shepard blurted. In that moment she hated herself, but was also grateful that she didn't give in to her silly hopes. Liara's brow furrowed; she was so confused by the human.

"What about you, Shepard? You should be more tired than me, considering what you've been through today," Liara debated. The commander put herself in front of the barrel of a crazed marine's gun. Even Liara had been terrified just watching from the sidelines.

"I'm just going to clean up around here a bit, then head to bed."

Liara considered offering her help, but she had the feeling the commander wanted to be left alone. She stood slowly.

"Well, good night, Erin."

"Good night, Liara."

Shepard watched Liara make her way to the door. The asari took a backwards glance at the commander before leaving. Shepard let out a sigh, partially relief, partially frustration. _At least I'm alone at last_, she thought soberly before reaching for her untouched pink bottle. _Time to get piss drunk._

Liara sat on the edge of her bed with a datapad in hand. It had been about an hour since she left Shepard in the party room. In that time she had gotten very little work done. She found herself rereading every few sentences because it was so hard for her to concentrate on business; all the woman could think about was the commander's confusing behavior. One moment Shepard would be completely closed off. The next, Liara would finally be able to chip away some of her armor and the commander would let her in. They'd start having fun, and then her walls would shut Liara out again.

And when Liara was allowed inside, what was it that she detected? Was the commander just being friendly, or were the feelings that Liara had long suppressed beginning to be reflected in the other woman?

The asari woman sighed and massaged her temples. _I don't think I'll ever fully understand her_, she thought solemnly. She had gotten the feeling, before leaving, that Shepard wanted some solitude. Why, then, wouldn't the commander just go to her quarters? _Probably because there isn't enough alcohol in her cabin, _Liara theorized keenly. She wished that the commander would turn to friends instead of drink; did she realize how much Liara wanted to be there for her, especially after Illium?

Her hand began to rub her jaw tiredly. She suppressed a yawn. Defeated by the sciences of social interactions, Liara let herself lay back on her bed. She was about to fall asleep when she remembered that she hadn't repositioned Lieutenant Vega. Hopefully he hadn't started choking on his regurgitation in the last hour.

It wasn't the greatest excuse to check up on her, but it was an excuse nonetheless.

Liara left her room and proceeded back down the dimmed hall with quiet footfalls. When she opened the door to the dark party room, she noticed that James wasn't on the couch anymore. She looked around the room to discover that he wasn't in here at all. Shepard must have woken the lieutenant.

Liara heard the sound of a glass being set down. Shepard was still at the bar, now hunched over a half-finished drink. Several empty bottles that weren't there an hour ago surrounded the commander. Liara wasn't surprised; she saw Shepard staring longingly at that bottle all evening, no doubt eagerly waiting to be left alone. Liara sighed sadly and moved to Shepard's side. She wasn't especially quiet in her movements, but Shepard did not notice her until she felt a hand on her shoulder.

Liara watched Erin looked up in surprise. Her eyes were glazed over from the alcohol and puffy from crying. This cramped Liara's heart, but again, no surprise. The human had been… _off,_ for a very long time. Liara rubbed the crying woman's back consolingly. She seated herself next to her friend, who had the drunken outgoingness to use the asari's shoulder as a headrest.

Liara wondered if Shepard would remember this tomorrow. The strong smell of alcohol told Liara the answer was 'no.' If Shepard wasn't intoxicated, would Liara be allowed to comfort her like this? To be this close?

"L'ara…" Shepard mumbled. She clumsily placed an uncoordinated hand on the asari's cheek, much to Liara's surprise. It might have been amusing if Erin wasn't such a sight for sore eyes. Liara gently pulled Erin's hand away from her face and held it in her own blue hand for a moment. "L'ara, I always… you're so beautiff…"

"Ssh," Liara hushed her gently. Tears formed over her corneas; she had wanted Shepard to say something like that for a very long time. It was upsetting to think that such things would only be said when she wasn't thinking clearly.

Shepard sighed and let the full weight of her body slump against Liara. Liara wrapped her arm around the other woman and continued to lull her with gentle hushing, rocking back and forth. Right now, it didn't matter if Liara was hurt. Shepard was obviously getting it worse. Shepard had changed drastically since Liara first met her; lately she was worn down and world-weary, and everyone could see it even though the marine tried to hide it.

Eventually, Liara felt her eyelids grow heavy. She craned her neck to see the commander's face. Her eyes were closed and her facial muscles were relaxed peacefully. _It would be a waste to wake her now_, Liara thought. She gently repositioned Shepard so that her head and arms rested on the counter. Liara wearily stood from her seat, placed her hand on Shepard's back one more time, and left.


	10. Chapter IX: Hanging

**Chapter IX: Hanging**

Feeling gradually returned to Erin as she surfaced from her unconsciousness. Her head was spinning like a top as she gripped the edge of the counter.

The counter… _So I fell asleep here._

Her stomach churned unsettlingly and she had a dehydration headache prodding her in the back of the head. With a nauseated moan, she held her head in her hands and took a few minutes to brace herself for the day ahead.

_It's not so bad, _she told herself. _No nightmares, right? You got what you wanted._

Before she was ready to greet the day's events, the door opened with a mechanical sigh. Shepard turned to see Garrus enter the room with a tall transparent glass in one hand. He set the glass down on the counter beside Erin and chuckled to himself.

"Someone had their own after party," he mused. Then he jutted his chin toward the glass. "You should drink some water."

"Thanks, dad," Shepard groaned, clumsily reaching out for the glass. She took her time bringing it to her lips and only took a tiny sip, feeling very sick. "This is very thoughtful of you."

"Yeah, well, I can be a sweetheart. So," he paused before continuing, "I'm guessing you're a pretty messy drunk and didn't want to embarrass yourself in front of the rest of us."

"Pretty much," was Shepard's simple reply as she set the glass down. "But, shit… I don't remember much." Her fingers massaged her temples. She shut her eyes and tried to remember, but all she could come up with was some lingering feeling of sadness and… Blue? _She's just on my mind too much. _

"Well, no offense, but I'm not going to hold your hair while you puke," Garrus informed her. "You can ask Liara for help with that."

"Why would you say that?" Shepard blubbered worriedly.

With a curious look: "Well, because she's your only friend allowed in the ladies' restroom that isn't having a hangover."

"Oh. Right, I get it." Shepard awkwardly reached for the glass of water, almost knocking it over. A sense of knowingness slowly came to possess the turian's face. He crossed his arms, leaned on one hip, and let that cocky smile split his already oddly-shaped face as the pieces fell into place in his mind.

"What?" Shepard growled, not really wanting an answer.

"Oh, nothing."

The commander felt her face grow hot as Garrus analyzed her; for Garrus to seem to be so all-knowing about her feelings, while they only confused her, was not comforting. She decided to put the pressure on him instead.

"I figured you would want to go help _Tali_ out." The commander smirked.

"Uh, 'fraid I don't know what you're talking about." The smile was gone from his face now. His previously playful tone was replaced with a mask of nonchalance.

"Riiight. So you didn't have any ideas when you made those comments about quarian dancers…"

"Maybe your still a little drunk, Shepard. Try to pull yourself together before we get an emergency call, alright?" He gave her a funny pat on the shoulder before swiftly taking his leave.

"Yeah, go 'hold her hair back' for her!" Shepard teased before the door shut behind Garrus.

Almost immediately, Shepard let her head drop to the countertop and took a few more minutes to brace herself. It wasn't long before she was bolting out the door, bound for the woman's restroom. To her great relief, no one else was in there. As she hovered over the toilet, a lingering memory resurfaced.

_The optimal position for an unconscious drunk individual… _

The recollection snuck up on Erin. It still entertained her, like a lot of things about Liara. _And now I need another drink,_ Shepard thought grimly before deciding to try to block the asari woman from her thoughts, along with everything else that made her want to drink herself into forgetting.

It was impossible for her to pull it together, though. As she was bent over the toilet, her stomach convulsing painfully as she threw up noisily, all the thoughts she wanted to suppress bounced around in her head. She thought about her nightmares with the little boy on Earth. She thought about Ashley Williams and the woman on Mars who she was too slow to save. She thought about the marine who didn't shoot his hostage, thanks to her, and wondered if the turian C-Sec officer would keep true to his word about getting him help.

Shepard's mind also trailed to Liara T'Soni, the charming, witty asari scientist/Shadow Broker who was, oddly, a prominent source of her misery. Shepard used to purely enjoy all the time they spent together, when they were simply friends. The woman cursed herself for developing feelings for the scientist because with it came so many complications that hurt her head to think about even more than this hangover. Did Liara even like the commander back in the same way?

_It doesn't matter, _Shepard argued with herself, _because either way it's not an option. I can't hold a relationship, I can't afford the distraction, and most likely one of us won't survive until the end of this mission. So why make things harder for anyone? _

The idea of Liara being lost to this war...

Shepard leaned against the wall, groaning in frustration as her stomach continued to swirl. She listed all of the "if-only's" in her head. If only the Reapers didn't exist. If only Liara loved her. If only nothing mattered and Shepard could just do what she needed to do to be happy.

_I'm probably never going to be happy. _The thought made her cringe. _I'll die young. I'll never get married or have children. I might never know where life will take me beyond today._

And with that, Shepard pulled her hair back in preparation for the inevitable. Her abdomen clenched and again she puked. Her head spun, her arms felt weak, and now she was crying as all these self-pitying thoughts filled her mind.

"Fuck," Shepard groaned, wiping her mouth. "Suck it up. Just do what you have to. Kill the Reapers and go from there." It was said with a weak, quavering voice, but Shepard knew this was the code she had to live by. Everything else had to wait, and she would just have to deal with it. Or pretend to.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So this is the LAST chapter in the original version of Erin Shepard: Her Story. Instead of continuing with this, I decided to make a rewrite. You can find the link to it from my profile page. I hope you read it, and thanks for reading this old version! :]**


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